You know I’m ready for this year to be done. I’ve always said that being kicked in the behind gives you a chance to look at your life and fix those places you have gone astray but it doesn’t mean it’s not painful when it happens.
I feel like it’s not just me. Most of my healer friends have also had a really hard year.
This year, I’ve lost some of the dogs and cats who had been in my practice for longer than any others, who were my friends. This year I watched the people connected to them grieve, as did I. This year the left side of my body gave out on me. This year my son did not graduate from high school. This year my husband left. So if you are wondering why I haven’t been writing, that kind of sums it up.
In February the left side of my body suddenly stopped working correctly. I couldn’t move my left toes, could barely use my left fingers, and the whole left side of my body would shake uncontrollably. After waiting a month to get in with the neurologist, I was sent for an MRI, STAT possible diagnosis of brain tumor high on the list. I remember lying in the MRI machine making deals with god over not wanting to die at age of 42. After an agonizing wait, I finally got the news that my MRI was normal. And after a sigh of relief, that I wasn’t going to die in the next year, I realize that the things left on the list were also pretty dire, with Parkinson’s being at the top.
But you know something. I learned a long time ago that diagnoses tie you to the condition. And according to a dog named Lou, diagnoses are only as good as the paper they’re printed on. And I knew from my work with dogs who did not understand what diseases they had, that healing was possible even in the face of serious disease when our mind had not yet resigned to being stuck in a certain state. So I made the decision to stop all diagnostics and not let someone put a name to what was going on with me. There’s a lot of power in naming something and I chose to take a path without names. If I thought there was things on the list there were easily treatable I would’ve not taking this path, but those had already been ruled out.
And so began my dive into one of the most intense healing journeys I’ve ever been on. Over the past year, I’ve gathered together one of the most amazing groups of healers, who believe in me and have helped me work through this illness. The left side of my body is still abnormal, it still shakes, I still can’t type. But I have gotten better and my symptoms have changed for the better and they no longer fit Parkinson’s disease. And emotionally I’m starting to heal. I realize the damage that is been done by me shoving emotions into my body for the past 42 years and I’m cleaning house. It’s not pleasant, everything I have ever decided not to feel I am feeling now. Believe me that can be painful. My body and my illness are guiding me on this journey
I now consider my neurologic disease my super power, at least most of the time. Yes there’s times I still get scared, there’s times I still feel alone, there’s times I think why me. But overall, it has enabled me to be more in touch with who I am, it has made me a better healer, and it’s opened up a journey where I will be well someday. I’m learning so much more about healing than I ever knew, and I’m learning that sometimes I have to put myself first, and I’m learning about the power that emotion has to make our body ill and how we can reverse that.
And as much as this year has been incredibly hard, I am so blessed. I have the best job in the world. I have a job I can do even with my left side not functioning right. I am daily blessed by working with some of the kindest people and the best animals in the world. My work helps me heal. Even on the days that I’m ready to give up, I know that there are so many people that support me and care about me. And there’s so many people that I care about also.
But I’m still ready for this year to be over with. So here’s to an incredible 2016, full of healing, love, and new beginnings. Blessings to you all. And an incredible thank you to everyone that has supported me on this journey.